“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.