What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My beach vacation Google searches
Check your privilege
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
i did the math
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…