What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!