what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
How I like cutting carbs
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.