What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.