What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”