What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
So the ex texted me
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Posting this on behalf of a friend
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.