UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
You Might Also Like
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.