what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
You Might Also Like
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?