what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Catercrombie & Fish
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!