what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful