Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap