Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it