What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?