Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more