Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You Might Also Like
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????