What in the hell is “disposable income”?
You Might Also Like
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
こいつ天才
