What in the hipster hell is going on here
You Might Also Like
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
and this one
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force