What in the hipster hell is going on here
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What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
lmfao come on
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m having an out of money experience.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.