What in the hipster hell is going on here
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
#oldknees
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.