What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.