What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I wish all tests were things you peed on
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.