Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you