Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Sorry not sorry.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*