What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.