Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

My love language is hissing.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me