Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat