Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there