Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

this country is so goddamn polarized

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.