Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”