What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Owl Sanctuary
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
describing stardew valley
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well