What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
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I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.