Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

what?

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.