What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.