Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.