Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Trumpy Cat

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.