What is going on? 😅
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Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
This is a whole mood;
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces