What is going on? 馃槄
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn鈥檛 have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can鈥檛 do that today. There鈥檇 be a whole dateline about it
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock 鈥榥 roll hair
My kids acting shocked there鈥檚 ants in my car like they鈥檙e not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 馃槈
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband鈥檚 dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I鈥檝e been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I鈥檒l tell you when you鈥檙e older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they鈥檙e like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I鈥檓 72