Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Great game to play with friends

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1599267781740052483/pu/vid/576x1024/IhpJsbmcl9gaMytX.mp4?tag=14

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

#gardening

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Worlds greatest photobomb

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

😬

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.