Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub