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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
not seeing the problem
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake