What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
bat life
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there