What is going on? 😅
You Might Also Like
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.