Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Lassie, get help!
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!