WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
never stops being funny
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.