WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
You Might Also Like
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier