WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
You Might Also Like
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
what?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
This checks out
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though