WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Denise please return my vape pen
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there