What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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This will never not be funny 😭
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
black phone good
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am