Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

I saw this ending much differently.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.