What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
This makes total sense…
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Eating for two.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
