What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe