What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
mood
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Orange is oranging 🟠
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.