What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Arrest that man!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.