What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
You Might Also Like
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I feel it
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
selena gomez
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.