What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.