What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
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Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
found my next D&D character name
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
