Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.