Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Drilling for oil is well boring.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it