“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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Happy Taco Tuesday
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.