“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Strange
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
he chose this
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.