“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
You Might Also Like
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Anyone want a chair?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her