what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.