what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?