What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet