Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?