What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture