My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
It’s a gift
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn