Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

Whoa 😂

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that