What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.