What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”