what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
CUTE CAT‼︎
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
awkward
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*has no idea what a book even is*
