Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Matt Goss

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

Banderslack Clamberdorch

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????