Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet