“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
doing your own taxes
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Friday
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine