Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

welcome back

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

This is the best one I’ve seen

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”