Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first