“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.