“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.