“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.