“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
All generalizations are stupid.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard